Sign up for Slatest to receive the most in-depth analysis, reviews, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Do you have any questions about Care and Feeding? Submit it here. Dear Care and Feeding, I am a public official who works with local schools. A few weeks ago, my sister called me angry because my nephew had had a terrible experience on his school bus (there had been some kind of commotion) and when she called the principal, she was taken aback. She wanted to talk to the superintendent about the incident and I told her I would help her. But then I was at a meeting where a video of the incident (involving about 20 children) was shown. To my horror, I saw that my nephew was one of the main instigators. I couldn’t believe how badly he behaved (and the rest of the room was quite outraged that he hadn’t been disciplined). What I saw was supposed to be confidential, but I thought, well, family trumps work. I shared what I now knew with my sister to try to get her to reconsider talking to the superintendent. I was sure that instead I would want to know what my son had done so I could address that behavior; She also didn’t want to be caught off guard if she went to the superintendent and found out that way. Well, she lost her mind at me, saying that her son had no idea he had misbehaved (he’s 13 and should know better) and that it was none of my business if her son misbehaved. Are you right? Should I have let her deal with whatever was coming? And if I see a member of my family misbehaving, should I consider it none of my business? —In An Ethical Mess Dear Mess, I’m afraid that neither the fact that you are sure that, if you were in your sister’s place, you would want to know (one can never be “sure” that someone, even a close member of your family, will want what you want, or that your hypothetical reaction to distressing information is an indicator of what her reaction will be in real life) nor your desire to protect her from being surprised was a good reason for breaking confidentiality. I get the feeling that your anger (you seem angry!) at his response to the information you shared is a result of feeling slighted for doing so. As the proverb my late father used to declare goes: “No good deed goes unpunished.” He liked to help people, whether they wanted or asked for his help or not. Sometimes that help was not appreciated and their feelings were deeply hurt. I surprised my wife with a romantic weekend. His reaction is absolutely disconcerting. As for your sister: she may be feeling ashamed or embarrassed and therefore lashing out at you…or she may be in sincere denial, believing that her son can do no wrong. Either way, you walked into something you (in fact) had no business intervening in, even if you intervened for what you sincerely believed were all the right reasons. But now you know. And while I sympathize with you (as I always sympathized with my father, who always meant well), I caution you to stop and think before getting involved in scenarios that involve others (yes, even your family). I don’t think it’s always necessarily “none of your business”; There may be situations where you are in a position to be helpful and generous and even save the day, but I do think you need to do some soul-searching before acting. Finally: “Confidential” does not mean, to someone in public office, “except, of course, when I find out about something involving my sister.” It is true that, in general, family can take precedence over work, but there are types of work in which respecting confidentiality is part of the job. —Michelle More advice from Slate The last time my husband and I visited his parents, we had a big conflict. My son was 18 months old, and without explaining where we were going (he told us we were going on “a nice short trip”), he took us all on a very dangerous rock-hopping trip in his not-so-recreational vehicle. My son cried the entire time as we dodged branches and tried to stay upright as the small vehicle swayed from left to right. I was furious…
